50 reasons why not to read 50 shades of gray

   

I remember that time last August, when I came to USA, and heard about its national best seller – 50 shades of grey trilogy. For those of you not informed, it had become a best seller, bigger than the Bible or Harry Potter. Which I think its UNACCEPTABLE. Why it was such a huge hit? Because it is an erotic, controversial book. Now, lets make this thing clear. I am not against this book because it is erotic, or whatever. I consider myself extremely open-minded person and someone who loves to read. First, I was judging this trilogy by its cover and reviews. Then I read it, and judged it even harder. I am not going to push it too far and say who is targeted by this book, I am keeping that humble opinion to myself. But I will push it far enough and say that you cannot read this book and say it’s a masterpiece. Or that you know contemporary literature, and only thing you have ever read is 50 Shades of grey and Cosmopolitan advices how to get over facebook break-up and make your hair look like Rihanna. Stopping hypocrisy right here

While all of you enjoy reading this trilogy, and all of you wondering should you read it or not, let me give you 50 reasons why not to read 50 shades of grey.

1) It started as Twilight fan fiction. Yes, really. For the record, this should never, ever be the inspiration for a book. “I ate a really good sandwich” would be better. Even “I was so moved by the collected works of the cast of The Jersey Shore I decided to put in it words” is more acceptable. “I read Twilight and wanted to make an erotic version of it” is not.
2) “Oh my” is a too cheesy and way to often mentioned in the book.
3) The author doesn’t know what “subconscious” means.
4) There are tones of better books to read.
5)  I don’t get it: is she is employee or his girlfriend?

-6)  If she was really smart, she’d have asked for stock.

-7) Explain to me how someone’s eyes can be “smoldering embers”. Without sounding stupid.
-8)  Apparently one book ends and the other  just starts and there’s no real transition between them.
-9) The female protagonist says “Holy cow!” 84 times throughout the trilogy. Which, you know, is an expression 20-somethings often use. (Also, this Amazon review has compiled other phrases that are overused in the book. It is delightful.)
-10)  I bet not even this Christian Grey fellow can get into the secret room above Tavern Law.
- 11) I have to do laundry.
- 12) I’m worried it will make me regret being literate.
- 13) No self-respecting tech mogul in Seattle would buy a woman an Apple computer.
- 14) On that note, why is she a college student without a computer? How does that even happen?
-15) Stupid stories stay with me far longer than good ones. I’m afraid that this book will haunt my dreams.
16) Because when you think about it, life is really short. Way to short for this book/
-17) Where do they find the time to have all this sex (and not-sex)? It’s been my personal

belief that entrepreneurs are really busy.
-18) I’m really, really sick of female protagonists who are virgins, waiting to give it up to the perfect guy. Way to cheesy.

19) The book actually aspires submission of women. Its like… HELLO, where is feminism?

20)Someone’s mouth cannot “quirk up”. That is not a thing.
-21) I don’t think loving a person means you should want to change them.
-22) Twilight-author Stephanie Meyer has refused to read it. And it’s not like that woman is a literary snob.
-23)Billionaires aren’t in their 20s. And if they are, they aren’t single. Or drop-dead gorgeous. Instead, they’re stressed-out and sleep-deprived and have terrible diets. Wait, was this fiction, or fantasy?
-24) It actually contains this line: “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” In the author’s defense, that is comedic gold. Unfortunately, the book is not supposed to be comedic.
-25) The book is set in both Seattle and Vancouver. The author has never been to Seattle. Or Vancouver.  What happened with the gold rule – write about something you actually know about? New rule: you have to visit this town at least once before setting a novel her
26) I’d be way more interested if he was the submissive. #NONOTACTUALLY
-27)  He says she can’t snack between meals? DEALBREAKER. You can't simultaneously love someone and tell them they can't have snacks.

28)  I cannot imagine his board of directors would be cool with any of his behavior.
29) Why does preferring a BDSM lifestyle automatically necessitate that you had to have a fucked-up childhood? Again, way to cheesy.
30) Game of Thrones is a way better book. Ask the entire world.

31)  I’m scared I might like it a little. Wait, no. Not really.

32) If you have nothing else the read think of the Harry Potter. Or Lord of the Rings. Or just watch movies.

33) If you actually want to read erotic novels, I am pretty sure you can find better ones.

34) This book is meant to desperate 40+ housewives with no sex life. #thereisaidit

35) RED ROOM OF PAIN. Enough said.

36) I could actually watch some cooking show and learn how to cook.

37) Women submission? No way.

38) Ellen DeGeneres hates the book. Do you even doubt Ellen?

39) Do not try at home anything written in the book :D
40) Judge it by the covers and dont buy it.- 

41) This book is not deep. Actually, that depends on the context.

42) Even if your passion lies with erotic literature, I am sure you can find way less cheesy one.

43) If you are feeling lonely, dont warm yourself with this book. Get a pet.

44) Go out. Take a walk. Exercise and stay fit.

45) Because readers deserve better. Even if they are 40+ no sex life housewives.

46) Because Seattle deserves better.

47) Because America deserves better.

48) Because the world and literature deserve better.
49)Because erotic fiction really deserves better.
50) Because if I really want a good love story about an adorably disheveled Seattle CEO and the absolute mess of a woman that he loves, I need look no further than my own life. You just need to swap out the whips and chains and ball gags and violent sex for cupcakes and cuddling on the couch. Long live the romance and Jane Austen. 

Reverse cultural shock: Story of bringing sexy back, le me like Bilbo Baggins, Macklemore, Montenegro living and a bit more :)

This is a reflection on my life in previous month and my try to bring (sexy) back in Podgorica-Montenegro-Europe after a year at American University in Washington DC.

Meanwhile, my life suffered some significant changes.Last August, I arrived in the USA, with a lot of hopes, plans and dreams. It seemed that year will last forever. I was still missing my family and friends, but also was ready for all the future challenges.

The term culture shock is often used flippantly when talking about cultural differences and how we deal with them. It is often overlooked that culture shock is more than the source of funny anecdotes arising from cultural peculiarities or misunderstandings

Culture shock is in fact a serious phenomenon and a long-winded process, and thus definitely a force to be reckoned with when moving abroad. Depending on personality and circumstances, some people might find it easier to deal with culture shock than others. In its milder forms, culture shock can even go by virtually unnoticed. As an expat, however, you are unlikely to escape culture shock completely. The effects of culture shocks can be severe, and in some cases they are even are responsible for expat assignments being terminated prematurely. Fortunately, it is possible to prepare yourself for the culture shock phenomenon in its various stages so that it doesn’t hit you unexpectedly.

Is it even necessary to say that I had time of my life discovering all the pros and cons of USA, and how actually bizarre America was. Living in the capital- Washington DC, and traveling through 24 states, with all adventures, friends and experienced gained enriched me for life. Coming from Montenegro , small country in the Balkans  (ITS IN EUROPE for those who still don’t know) everything seemed magical. I had opportunity to see bright and poor side of America, which changed and shaped the way I think now.

After that great and long year of my “Americanization” (which btw was really successfully pulled off) I was supposed to pack and leave home. Easy thing. Sure. At least it seemed to be. I was indeed truly happy to come home, but also sad to remind myself I will not be back for a while. Saying bye to all of my friends, and to DC was not easy. Remember that "I am bringing sexy back" ? Well, sexy back could only be in a song, in real life things are quite different.

Packing was adventure itself; I discovered my new life skill was jumping on suitcase and crying after things I had to throw away. Later, things got real at the airport, where as usual I was faced with real life and laws- which did not agree with me on how much and what can I bring back. New life skills were re-packing on the airport, cursing airport workers slightly in my native language when they charged me, and leaving more things in USA.

On airplane from Munich to Belgrade, guy sitting in front of me was rocking some Balkan classics – Ceca, Dragana Mirkovic, Mile Kitic, etc.. After a year , I heard Balkan call of the wild. Still, coming back to Podgorica, my beautiful , small home town and capital of Montenegro was definitely what people call reverse cultural shock.

I remember the time when US people , when I would tell them I am from Montenegro, would show confused face and said : “Africa? Asia? Is it an island in the middle of the ocean?” Well, I came back. My building had some technical issues – we were short for Wi Fi, water and electricity. It did feel like I was in Africa, living first world problems.

Coming back, all of my family and friends were excited at first. Then they got back to their ordinary lives, telling me how they got used to me not physically being there. My friends still have exams, and I am done with all of them. I came like Bilbo Baggins, full of adventures and stories… and just like that poor hobbit, I got that “Oh you poor Bilbo” when telling my adventures. People asked me all the time about stereotypes,  and I spent time trying to explain that college life is not like in “American pie” and that America is not that bad, and people have to work really hard.

 Jetlag was the worst, it took me several days till I got back to normal sleep. I am still getting used to my favorite, most loved Montenegrin food. After a year of eating at my school, and in TDR and Tavern, sad thing is that I got completely used to the food. And instead eating wonderful food at home I was suffering for chicken tenders and similar stuff. Yup, by now everything is fine, love for good food is bigger than any reverse cultural shock.

Going out and walking out in Podgorica I realized some sad life facts:

• No metro in Montenegro.
• We are too small.
• No Starbucks.
• No dancing in the clubs and bars – you just go and sit all night long and its freaking annoying
• No Pandora. No Spotify. No Netflix. No Hulu.
• No on-line shopping
• School system and social life are really different.

Also, I was used to listening all that American music. All that Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, rep music.. basically everything.. Playing beer pong and laugh at people who grind and twerk. And a lot of people here didn’t even know for someone like Macklemore. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

Yes, and I still didn’t have a chance to say all of the stories, because I think no one will listen to my endless talk about American University, college life, dorms, parties, internship, DC, all the journeys.. Just like poor Bilbo Baggins.

Now, I laugh at myself, and how first days of come back I used to smile to all the people, be really kind, which in my city is considered unusual or non-existing , say “thank you” “hi how are you” and “sorry” all the time. I got judged all the time. And I was in a place where everything is about being judged how do you look and what do you think. Unlike in USA, where everything is about being busy and getting things done, here it was chilling, getting nothing done, but gossiping and judging all day, every day.

Eventually, things got back to normal. I live in a country that sometimes seems like a hopeless place economically, and it is facing a lot of challenges. Yet, its beautiful, unique and I am glad I am back. With all the energy and ideas, I am aspired to do some new things here, improve my life, and try to change at least something here, and make it positive. And if it doesn’t work? I will just go back to USA. This time, with no shocks of any kind. At all.

True fact is that there is no place like home. Even if everyone here are different, its still my home. Place were people drink, go out and dance with folk music, still not knowing about Macklemore, thrift shopping, Starbucks frappucinos, what is wobbling or dougie dance. Where you will be looked down at for not having branded clothes. Where a lot of people still don’t recognize email as way of communication. But it’s a place where your family is, where you can hang out with your friends, and with a drink or two in hand and with great food you can laugh and joke about everything. With beautiful and stunning nature , it’s a little heaven on Earth. Mission is trying to enhance the pros, and decrease the cons of living in Montenegro. Since it can get any worse, I want to try to make it better. People deserve it. And this beautiful country does too. So, as I am finishing this blog and eating REAL fruit, reminding myself how funny everything seemed, some guy living above me is rocking with Nedeljko Bajic Baja. In other words, it does says welcome back. I am home.

The truth of the matter is that nothing has changed, except me. Allowing yourself to be fully immersed in a completely alternate culture, ingratiating yourself to people of an entirely different background and welcoming their ideals and aspirations into your heart will leave you profoundly altered, irrevocably changed and hopefully thrilled by your evolution as an active worldly citizen of this beautiful planet. In the end, I can I say I brought a sexy back. Yeah. #notactually
Farewell, y`all till my next blog post.